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So, I have had no intelligent thought process in the last couple of days, it seems as though I am a person in a society like the one in the book "Anthem" I have not really thought anything, or done anything but drone on in my daily routine. It's like I have no brain, and no emotion. Just the normal homework, work, study, sleep. And I do it over again the next day. What is this? This is not fulfilling at all.... Just one more year. I can make it. I need to be my own person, and school is limiting me to what my peers think of me, and where my social status is. SICK. Ok.. So I'm completely grossed out by my own mind-state right now. All I am is blah right now. To snap out... HMMMM.. Don't know how. Well, ummm.. Not much else to say. I really think that I can reach out to some people. The prayers of years will some day be answered. Hopefully soon. Later.

Spinning

Everything seems to be going on a down-hill spiral lately. I just don't get it. Is it an attack? Or, just life? Who knows. All I know is that God is in control, and I can try to be calm, but without God's peace, I'm nothing. Man. I pray for peace, and for strength to endure. The will of the Father is what matters most. My friend could die in six months, or maybe even less. That is something I fully need to rely on God about. He is the only one who can fix her, and the only one that can truly comfort her. She knows it, and so does everyother Christian friend she has. I can and will hang in there. YAWN.
We went to Duluth last night because of an "emergency" and we didn't get back until two-thirty in the morning. School today is a bit tiring. I am going to go home, and take a nap, get up and do homework, then go to church, and come home and sleep again. That sounds SO good.. But we all know that NOTHING goes according to plan. Anyways, I am gonna go try and get some work done right now. Later.

Jail Time

Last night at like, one in the morning, I found out my brother was in jail. Man! Can't he just be normal and not be so stupid? Well, needless to say I spent most of the night awake praying and such. I am very displeased with my brother right now.. HMMMMM.... Maybe he will get it some day. So, they let him out after a night in jail.. In a way it's an answer to prayers, because jail is not friendly to people like him, but at the same time, what lesson does he learn for them to just let him off scott free after one night in jail? He missed his court date, and only got one night in jail for it.. I disagree with that means of punishment.... At least give him community service! I don't even know what crime he committed in the first place! MAN. I feel no pity, but wish that he would finally grow up so I don't have to worry about him anymore.. I'm afraid I will always be watching him and waiting for him to shape up.. And it seems it will never come. UGH. I don't know.... I suppose there are just alot of things to think about. I really like my College Prep Writing teacher Ms. Bandemer. She is so much fun.. And we relate in so many ways... Neither of us are patient at all.. And we are both being made to be patient in the SAME SITUATION. Hahahahaha... It's funny stuff.. So we spend time after school being eachother's therapy saying that we can hang on and WILL make it through this in-between stage.. She rocks. Anyways, I'm gonna go. Later.

Burn at work, and burn in every other area as well.

I burnt myself really REALLY REALLY bad at work... Like, my arm is blistered and burning with pain as I speak... I didn't even get to whine about it to Tim while I was at work, cuz he didn't call me..... Not that that's not ok.... Why in the world do I seem so selfish? Must I care at all about what I feel like? and what's the point of complaining? To try and get what you want, or get some pain to go away... Sigh.. Why does what happens to me matter? I should be thinking about what others need... and I do.. But not as much as I think about what I need.. Ugh... and, sometimes, what I try to be selfless, others' selflessness beats mine, and I end up being selfish. hmmmmmmm hahaha.. I'm a retard.
Sigh.... Do you think he knows that I care about him? Or, does he just think I'm a silly girl with silly notions....... That is just faking everything she does?Man.. These are interesting thoughts...... Hmmm.... Why can't I talk out loud? Why must I be in the dark to be comfortable? RELATIONSHIPS SUCK!!!!! Hahahahaha.. No, not really... But sometimes, I just wish I knew what came next, or how to deal with stuff.
Man..... I don't know what to do sometimes... Sometimes things can be so complicating.
well, im out.
later.

I have been thinking alot about things in the last week...........There are people I respect, and I respect what they ask of me...... Sigh, I just wish sometimes I knew the reasons to why they ask them. To come from a completely different world, and to not be able to trace the origin of their thoughts to anything that makes sense to me at all................I wish my thoughts would unjumble. The only thing I can think of is, to not know what others know, and to not be able to just shout things from the roof top! THIS, I can handle... At least, I will try. UGH! I wish I could just explain so perfectly how I have felt in the last week..... Sigh. In so many ways, the things they ask of me are right and true, but in so many ways obscure and not right at all.Sigh..OH well. I hope to be able to sort it out, or find a way to make it better. I am back.. WOOT. I should be talking more, but life has been the normal blah. Exciting eh? well, Later.

GUR

SO! I am now grounded off the internet and the phone for a WEEK! I won't be writing for a week, and I won't be able to use the phone for a week.. but, Tim granting (hahaha, that sounds funny), I'll be in Duluth for the weekend... so, that will be ok then... My mom at least did not forbid me from going there..... SIGH, well, I'm signing off and will be back in a week. later.

Last Letter

Hey! Ok! So my devos this week are in the book of Luke I believe. I never really look where it is, I just read in a line, chapter after chapter. I have decided on reading the gospels over and over again until I get the concept of being like Christ.  Right now, I just read on how Jesus chose His twelve apostles. To think, He had so many disciples, and twelve apostles... Ok... SO the definition of disciple is follower.... BUT the definition of Apostle is someone who not only follows, but will also go behind and build. They were the church builders. The ones that wou ld spread the word, not just feed on Jesus' words. SO! For us? What is that? That means, Do you want to FOLLOW God? OR, do you want Him to use you.... To not just be someone who feeds, but be someone who is fed and then FEEDS OTHERS. Jesus said to Peter: "Do you love me?" with which he replied, "Of course I do Lord." "Then feed my sheep." There was Peter's first calling.....  Now, did God give us a calling? Did He call you to be a follower, or a follower with a mission? Feed His sheep.

Struggles

Sometimes, struggles in your life can cause you to sin. Aren't God's grace and mercy wonderful things? Continuously holding to the cross and its promise.... We can't always be perfect, but that could be what we strive for. Today I was supposed to try out for Oklahoma, but decided that my schedule is already too busy to add a play to my busy day.... Well, I am feeling a little better today.. and I hope that I continue to get better.... For now, that is all I can think to say. OH, wait.... I need to let God take away my baggage... If I get married, am I gonna want my husband to deal with it? No. I have been doing well at letting God take it.. But I still have my few problems, and things that God needs to take.. I must learn to trust in Him. Later.

Nasal Drip

So! Today I woke up after eight and a half hours of sleep, and was more exhausted than when I went to bed.... Sound normal? I didn't think so either. I set an appointment up for the doctor and found that I have a sinus infection. NO FUN. At any rate, I have just been spending most of my time trying to stay healthy, and doing homework. Work has been less of late... Hahaha.. That made no sense.. I am basically saying that my work load has lessened.... It is so much better that way.. Especially with being sick, and being in a play, and all the other things I have to do... sigh... I wish I could just freeze and get better, and then be back to normal. Today was an interesting day! I decided I can't stand judgmental people.. Tolerate, yes.. and depending on the rest of their personality, I can even like them... But to classify someone, and judge them on what they are wearing is stupid. Like them for who they are, and what their character is.. NOT the way they dress.. UGH>.. Whatever. Everyone deserves a chance to be heard becuz of WHO they are, not the way they dress.. But, that's all I'm gonna say about that. Later.

MAN

Ok... So I seriously feel unworthy.. and insignificant.... I am totally going to run him to madness....... I felt so stupid in my insecurities, but yet so justified.... But I had no right to be! Ummmm yeah... I am making no sense.. sometimes I just wish that I could type something out that I have felt in my head. I should make no effort..... If I could just make sense.. And trust that I'm not scary... I don't understand half of what is going on right now in my life... I want to be a hermit.. Never to talk to anyone, and never to marry.. God knows I would drive the poor man to madness........ I have way too many insecurities for someone else to have to deal with.. sigh... I really wish I could type out exactly what I'm trying to say.. But, this will do. Later.

Inspiration

Have you ever done something that you really wished you hadn't?
Well, I have my struggles.. But I know that God is forgiving, and I should strive to be the best I can be. Have you ever realized that calling people something other than their name (in a mean way) could seriously be considered a sin... You are not loving your neighbor when you do that. Also, is peer pressure worth it to people who love God? What is there to prove? NOTHING. God is all that ever matters, so why try to impress anyone? Be who you are, and don't care what anyone thinks...... You are God's. He has made you with your own personality. LIVE IT.
God has called me, and to jeopardize that just to show off.... Hmm.... Seems pointless..... Live as Christ has called you to. I am to be so many things, and blow the world away for Christ, but have I lost sight of what it is I am living for? Has the fire dwindled? The fire is strong, and shall not die. I pray that God would ignite flames into the hearts of His believers.... None of this carnal crap. What are these people who say they love God and they act different in church, and in the rest of their life. I hate the Christians who say that someone is a Christian becuz they believe in God. If your fruit does not show Christ, then what ARE you showing? AND if your lifestyle does not show Christ, then don't you DARE insult His name by calling yourself His follower. Would Christ make it a habit to swear in His daily life, when He would know that people see it as bad? I think not. Would Christ call anyone names? I don't think so. I think we all need to just get a little reality check, and see if we are truly serving Christ, or if we are simply selfish and want to make heaven... If it's just to make heaven, and you are a selfish Christian, I promise you, you will BARELY get in. Wouldn't you rather do something for God so when you reach heaven He says "Well done my good and faithful servant"? All of life is to Him. All praise, every breath, should be as praise to Him. The motive of the heart is the issue here. I am included in this. HELLO! Wake up... I call myself a Christian... But am I continuously trying to be Christ to the nation, or am I just insulting Christ by keeping a label that I'm not serious about? If I'm not serious, it would be better if I would rather call myself a heathen than to insult the God of the universe by calling myself a Christian.
Well, I should really be a preacher. Hehe.
Later.

school smells

Well, school started yesterday.. It's the pits....... Life is good... .... God has been so awesome in evey way... It amazes me how God used Mary.. To be the mother of His son, I mean, seriously, what a priveledge to be that favored by God........ Lately I have been pretty b usy... I tried to lead worship,a nd I ended up bombing it.. That was no fun.... But, I gotta go to work, so that's all for now. Later.

Grill

So.... I get to lunch today with my grandparents, parents and a bunch of aunts and uncles, and they all start grilling me about who Tim is and what he plans on doing with his life... hahahaha. The poor kid..... He's stuck with me now......Well, at least for the most part. .... They are all depending on him to marry me now... I feel kinda bad... My family likes to jump to conclusions. I am so worried that I am ruining him...... My insecurities overwhelm me sometimes...... Why can't I just chill out.... UGHHHH......... So all I have been doing is spending time with God, working, singing, going to Duluth to see Tim, and maybe a little sleep here and there....... I really enjoy being busy, but, not so busy that I can't find any time to think.... That kinda stinks when it gets that busy. I have never known anyone that truly wants to be with me.... Just, be with me.. no hidden motive, too high expectations... I am almost waiting for things to just crash and burn..... And I am really scared that they are gonna. But, anyways, enough about my insecurities.... No, you know, do you ever feel like all you do is talk about serious things? But you know that they need to be talked about.. and you want to talk about them, but at the same time you don't? Well, goodness.. That just made TONS of sense.

WOOT

I don't ever really know what life is about...... Is there ever a little bit of hint to what it is? EVER???? Or, must we stay clueless in everything we do..... Well, there has been plenty of sitting around being done around here..... Boring, I know. Man, I really don't know what to write on here.. hahahaha. Accountability.... That's a good thing.. To have someone else know what's going on in your life, and to make sure that you are staying near God, and reading the Bible everyday. Last night I read about Zechariah..... The guy who was mute becuz he didn't believe his wife Elizabeth could have a child, and he doubted God.... Yeah. Something stood out to me in that passage... Luke 1:19 "The angel answered, 'I am Gabriel. I stand in the presence of God, and I have been sent to speak to you and to tell you this good news.' Man... He STOOD in the presence of God. Shouldn't we always be wanting to stand in God's presence. To be able to face the demons, and just say, "away with you, because I stand in the presence of God." To not be afraid because we have spent time with Him through reading our Bible and praying... To have that power to be able to say that........ What a powerful thing. Can I truly be able to say: I am Bobbie, and I stand in the presence of God. I should search my heart, and get close to God, so that people may see that I stand in the presence of God, even when I don't say it.

Hmmm..

I have'nt really seen much use in trying to get people to settle down and stop being so dramatic... I think I will just have to stay out of their way, and forget it. I definitely don't need the added stress...... I talked to Thomas, and he says he thinks Tim is cool, and that he should stay at his house anytime... It was just a bad weekend for Tim to come up with everything Tom had to do.... He was just busy.. and when he went home to sleep, he REALLY went home to sleep. I ended up scratching Thomas on the nose the other day when I attacked him after finding out that HE was the one who put a pig brain in my locker... That little poop... Secular Music has always seemed pretty pointless to me... Even though most of my friends listen to it, and I have to listen to it at work, I don't spend my free time listening to that trash. This is a strange subject, and I'm not quite sure why I don't just call Tim and talk to him about it.. but I'm upset about it now, so I might as well blog it out here. . He has spent time crying lately...... Why? AND on top of that, he hasn't even told me that anything is wrong..... I am upset that I didn't know before reading his blog that he has been upset lately...... *sigh*.... I just really wish that he woulda told me... So I might have been able to do something, or at least know that something was wrong so I could pray... ? Onto a different and less depressing subject, I go to Duluth on Saturday... Hopefully... I don't know.. my brain is going fifteen million miles a minute here... Just don't know what to do..... But, I'm gonna just talk more later. Adios.